Starting to journal

Giving this journaling thing a try,

 

Its hard to not have a job and also hard to be applying for unemployment. It feels like I should get a job but there isn't a way with this pandemic for me to feel like I can make it happen in a way that is safe for Shana. its hard because Thads schedule keeps changing and so i dont feel confident in applying to a job and then not being clear about when I can work. I feel like since losing my dad im just now in a place where childcare isnt really an option. But i also dont want to. I like knowing that i am here for Shana and being able to help watch her grow up. And its not like we are sitting around at home all day, we go over to mom and dads and go down to Eugene once a week. But there are days that feel like I made no progress and that nothing became of the day. I think it feels like a constant battle to climb up hill because I cant plan acitivities because I feel nervous that they are unsafe or will feel called out for going and doing something and then putting everyone that I do see at risk. I dont have any big aspirations for going and doing anything either though. I think some days i wake up and have all the energy and some days I wake up and its just going to be a nothing day. 

I was talking to mom and we both were reflecting on how life was when it wasn't just trudging to get through the day and then having to wake up and do another one. I know its because of the grief. I know its because of depression. I get it. Im not complaining but it just SUCKS. Its hard to remember what life used to be like. Because now i have basically none of what it used to be. And im not saying my life isnt worth living or that I dont have positive things in my life like Shana, and Thad and my nephews and neice, and family, and a house to live in, and blah blah blah. I know i have many good things in my life ans things to be happy and blessed about. This isnt about that. This is about I lost everything that made my life feel like my life. I lost my job that I would sit and plan about at home, and do drawings for, and plan home depot trips, and car swaps, and Shana care, and lunches or lack there of to bring, I lost my drives to sthelens for marching band, I lost interacting with my students and having lots of conenctions outside of my family that to me, i was always trying to make meaningful. I lost my dad. My rock. My scope of what life was and how I should react to it and what I should do, and his perspective. I lost a lot. And I can feel bad about that. I lost the time for myself driving and thinking and having something else on my mind to think about and work on. Now im just home. And there are many parts about that that I like. I think that my ideal situation would be being a stay at home mom and then having a part time theatre job. Like i did.... 

I feel unqualified for simple jobs, i feel overqualified at the same time. I feel like i am above some of these jobs. But really i dont want to feel like im just wasting my time. If im going to work id rather do something that I love, not just be working to work and then if im doing childcare i feel like i need to make enough to make it worth it or else im just stuck doing a stupid job that I dont love that isnt worth my time for like $4 an hour. But its really that i'm missing out on raising Shana and being with her for what? A stupid job crappy job that I could care less about. I dont want to work as a cashier at dollar tree. If im getting a job i want to feel like im being helpful. I think like a receptionist at a old folks home or soemthing where i am nice and kind and helpful. Something like that I think i would be good at. But for now i think, damn that means i see and interact with a lot of people and that seems not safe... so I dunno. I feel stuck in that whole sense and then having to do weekly claims feels bad. like i have to go look for work, but i dont really have the ability to, but i have to. So its frustrating. And its frustrating that I haven't/ might not get paid out for the summer. And Like im glad that I wasnt working with everyhting that happened, but like i loved that job damnit!

It wasn't just a job.

I feel heartbroken. In a time where I feel the most people reaching out to me I simultaneously feel the most alone. I am mourning. I am mouring the life that I saw for myself. The in many ways dream job for me. One that allowed me to live my life the way that let me be the mom I want to be and be the artist at the same time. In an environment where my colleagues were brilliant and kind and understanding and supportive. Where I had students that I could joke with and be serious with and help learn and be a part of their journey navigating how to express who this creative part of them is. I imagined in a few years being able to pick up my kids from school in town and bringing them with me to watch them get paint all over themselves as they helped get something a base coat. Watching them be impatient running up and down the Woodmar stairs and through the aisles chasing each other while I yelled that we would be leaving soon. I imagined being able to go home to tuck them in before going back to work for the night or a few more hours. Taking them to see the shows Mommy had worked on in the space. 

Thad says I could still have this just a different space, a different school, a different company. And he is probably right. But I longed to be able to say this is where I brought you to play in your pop up when you were 6 months old. This is where I felt you jump inside me when I used the jigsaw. This is where I took photos for your announcement. 

Part of what makes this so hard is that I wasn't ever planning on leaving. Sure I was only part time and no benefits and probably lower pay than I could get elsewhere. But I was rewarded in so many different ways. I had the benefit of knowing no one would bat an eye if I had to bring my kids in. Or if I had to leave to go pick them up from school. Or if I needed to take a few months off for maternity on baby #2. I could not work Tuesdays because I didn't have childcare that day. I could decide my schedule to an extent to be able to accommodate family care over taking and paying for daycare. I had the support. I had so many hidden benefits with this job. 

I knew that the shows I worked on mattered. They weren't fluff for entertainment, they weren't just a cranked out show thrown up on stage for money and speed, they were good. Or at least watchable and enjoyable and thought provoking. They were shows that I could see 10 times and get something different each time. That I could look at and say, these were worth the late nights and the stress and the hand holding when students work didn't go as planned. They were worth the stressful strategy sessions when they tried and failed, and the high fives and laughter and "see you got this" when the pieces came together. They were fun. Some of them more than others, but the thrill of the challenge was always there. The race against the clock and the innovation to try something different, and figure it out. 

I will miss Bryan's designs. His sometimes peculiar particularity of small details and his nonchalance with things that felt they should be important. I will miss that partnership. I will miss his sometimes consistent inconsistency. And we both know we will work together again. And that this is not our end. But for now it's hard to not have it feel that way. I know I won't be calling as much, I know I won't have as many questions, I know I won't hear his voice every week or every day. I won't hear his "I trust you"s and his "ah crap! I gotta go. I'm sorry"s. He taught me that it's possible to be a good parent, a good friend, and a good worker. That theatre can make it hard to make everything work, but that you can.  It takes balancing and a lot of sleepless nights but it's possible. And of all the important theatre things, that's the one that screams the loudest. I will miss the clicking the timers at tech Olympics down to the millisecond and matching and no one but us thinking that was as cool as it was. Or sitting in the seats on no sleep staring at the sets laughing at our misfortune at how much we still had to do while nodding and reassuring Rhett that we TOTALLY have this and everything we told him we would have was TOTALLY going to be there. Making our master lists. 

There is so much about this job I loved that no one ever saw or knew or will understand. I'm not losing my job, I'm losing my life. I'm losing my community. I'm losing my space. I'm losing the future I was making for myself. I'm losing my creative outlet. I'm losing my shop. I'm losing my colleagues. This is so much more to me than losing an income and losing a job. Another job is not going to be this. Another job is not going to hold such a huge place in my heart. 

For once I don't have a next show. I don't have a sense of my next space, my next resources, my next script that I will do a bad job reading, my next calendar. I'm not coming to a close on my show and cleaning up, taking a breath, and going to the next one. In many ways I feel like I'm fresh out of college and looking for what's next except without the vigor that I can do anything but rather with the knowledge of what I had and lost. Without the drive to do it because I'm mourning. I know what I had. I knew when I had it I was fortunate. That I was lucky. That it wasn't the case for my graduating class. That this wasn't everyone's story of being able to say they made it somewhere. That in my industry they had something consistent. I know the value of what I lost. I know what my leaving is going to do to my program. I know how it is going to negatively impact students and Bryan. How things won't be able to be the same and yet will need to feel the same. I mourn knowing what leaving is doing. And I don't know how to express that.

I think while I'm deeply heartbroken. And saddened. I'm also a little hurt or bitter or angry. I'm angry that I was laid off by two people who I had never met before. Who didn't see my value or my work or my drive or know anything about me other than my cost and title. I know that my department fought incredibly hard for me. That a dozen other cuts were offered in an attempt to keep me. That a colleague that I barely see on campus took an early retirement when she was led to believe that I would be safe if she did. That sacrifices were made in an attempt to save me. That conversations were had late into the night arguing why this could not happen. And I'm humbled by that knowledge. I know I was valued by those around me. So to be laid off and told I was great by people who don't know me... That sucked. That sucked royally. To get an email the day before asking for the meeting to do it and being up all night crying knowing it was coming was horrible. To sit around all day waiting to be laid off, twiddling my thumbs, and checking the clock to not be late to being fired. The guise of having a face to face conversation because that would be more personable and better. That sucked. Knowing that I had to piece myself back together for some people I didn't know. And having to scramble to figure out how to make it work for my daughter to not be interrupting the call or have her see me bawling my eyes out. That was horrible. I'm angry that was my experience. I told Bryan that and he said they wouldn't let them be there. And that's really stupid. I hope they re-evaluate that in the future. Because in all this sadness I feel just anger at administration. And maybe that's why they do it, so you don't walk away with a bad taste from your supervisors. But. I wouldn't have, because I know they support me and see me. 

What adds insult to injury at this time is the show I went out on. My last show was one I worked on for 164 hours by myself. Alone. In a pergatory of the space feeling so empty and then me. Trying to fill it with as much hard work and fun and love as I know it to have. Going out on a show where I never saw the story. I won't get to see the end of the process. I won't get to be a part of getting it finished. I am walking away with it not done and not knowing when or if it will. The show ended with students being sent home from Covid. And we did a zoom thing to say goodbye to it. Everyone mourned. I did not. To me it was still going. I was still working on it, still in the thick of it. So I feel like I missed my goodbye. And I won't get a goodbye to my students. 

I won't get a goodbye right now. There will be no sad moment at a banquet that we will miss you. I get a very nicely worded informative and reassuring email that things will be different and I will be missed. Which I appreciate... But right now I won't get real goodbyes from my students, or hugs. Or a last late night work party. Or a last pizza and strike. I won't get the end that I never thought I would have. I won't get a we will miss you but we know you are off to better things because I don't have a clue where I am going now. 

Do I wait a bit and see what happens? Do I try to just get some other job? How can we afford daycare? We can't afford for me not to work. We can't afford for me to not watch Shana. I could make it work before and now it's all screwed. Our long term plan to move to Newberg so I could be close for late nights is maybe now shot. I can't work at Broadway rose because they are strapped budget wise too. I can't go back to bud because he is going to be in the same boat. Who knows with Wilsonville or band what will happen with the school year. I have nothing solid next. I have nothing. I have no plan, except to right now not have a plan. To feel this for a while. 

I feel a lot of guilt... I solidly confirmed that I'm pregnant the same day as I was laid off. Planned. And I'm sure I will at some point be excited. But for now I feel... Nothing. I feel like I can't find the joy in that. Everyone I've told has said the expected congratulations and it just feels so empty to hear it. I'm not excited right now. I'm not thrilled and planning for a great future with a now completed family. I just feel guilty. Guilty to this baby that this is how I will remember this moment. When they ask how it felt to find out or to know they were coming that this is how I felt. I feel numb. I know second pregnancies are different. But I want to feel happy. I want to feel excited. Right now I just feel scared. We knew that we were trying during a really tumultuous time. But I didn't think the worst would happen, and I didn't think I would lose everything at once. I want to see this as the happy thing amongst a world that's full of uncertainty and fear and sadness. But right now I don't. And I hope that changes. I hope that soon I can officially announce and actually feel happy to be congratulated. Until then I just want to pretend it isn't happening. I don't want to talk about it and wonder if it's a boy or a girl. Or names or whatever. I just want to keep this separate from what is going on as much as I can. So I don't want to talk about it. But. I'm feeling both at the same time. I know both events to be true. Unemployed and this baby. 

How will I get a job with a toddler and being pregnant. Do I try right now before they can tell when they hire me? Am I really going to have the energy and brainpower to be learning a new job right now?

I feel guilty to Thad for losing my job. I feel guilty to him for getting this degree and being in an industry that is almost  non-existent  right now. I feel guilty to him that he is the only one going to work and bringing home a paycheck and that this is putting more pressure on him. I know he doesn't see it this way. But I feel guilty. I feel guilty for getting a new car this year and now having that loan. I feel guilty for spending money on anything. I feel guilty for being pregnant. I feel guilty for not having the energy to clean the house or do my normal. I feel guilty he spent his days off with his wife upset and crying and numb the whole time. I feel guilty that I don't feel like I can be the same person. 

I feel guilty for having to leave my students. And my space in the place it is. 

I feel alone. When I turn to social media for condolence or a normalcy it's all more fear and push for justice and fighting for causes that were important for me days ago but that now I don't have the energy to fight for. I don't have the emotional space to feel for. I feel alone. I fear that I won't feel better until I have a plan. I fear I won't feel better for a long time. I fear that I will always be mourning this loss and wondering what would have happened if I could have stayed. 

I have no choice but to look ahead and forge on. I don't know what's next. I don't want to think about it. And though I feel like I can try and sometimes will succeed at putting on that face and do it, I know that this is how I really feel. And I think I will be feeling this a long time.

I feel...

I am grateful for my parents. I am grateful for my family. I feel grateful for my friends. But…

I feel sad.

I feel sad for my husband that he can’t find a job.

I feel sad for me for not being able to find a steady job either.

I feel sad that the job I love it’s not consistent enough for the lifestyle I want.

I feel sad that we can’t afford our own place.

I feel sad that we are newly married and are in this situation.

I feel sad that our marriage is starting so poorly.

I feel sad that I’m failing at it already.

I feel sad that I work so hard and have nothing to show for it.

I feel sad that I feel useless.

I feel sad that I am so angry.

I feel sad that I spent so much money getting my degree.

I feel sad that we are so financially strapped.

I feel sad that I have to rely so much on my parents for money.

I feel sad I was at the right college for so short a time.

I feel sad that I am stuck while everyone's life seems to be moving forward.

I feel sad for the day when our family wants to go on vacation and we have to say we can’t afford it.

I feel sad we won’t be in a position to have kids for so long.

I feel sad that we have had so many broken promises on jobs and opportunities.

I feel sad that I trust nothing in the plans we make.

I feel sad that I have to pretend everything is great.

I feel sad that I am so disappointed in God.

I feel sad that the church feels the way it does.

I feel sad that I have no drive to go because I am so angry and hurt.

I feel sad that I don’t feel valued by so many.

I feel sad that my age makes me discriminated against.

I feel sad that nothing has changed in so long.

I feel sad that I don’t believe it will get better soon.

I feel sad that I can’t be brave for my husband.

I feel sad that we both are growing increasingly depressed.

I feel sad that where we are, even being newly married, is the worst he has ever felt.

I feel sad when people ask us how being married is and I have to laugh and say that I wouldn’t know because we live with my parents.

I feel sad that my parents want so much for us but are powerless to do anything.

I feel sad.

I feel angry.

I feel angry that I have to stick up for my beliefs so often against the church.

I feel angry that I am viewed as an extension of Thad and not my own person there.

I feel angry that rules should govern my relationship with God.

I feel angry that I can’t convince people of my worth.

I feel angry that I can’t find a job.

I feel angry that my degree means so little yet cost so much.

I feel angry at my husband because he wants to be the provider.

I feel angry at him for wanting to be secluded in his worry.

I feel angry that I never have time for just me by myself.

I feel angry that I have no space to make my own.

I feel angry that I will probably have to live in an urban area.

I feel angry that I care so much.

I feel angry that I can’t leave the church.

I feel angry that my name has to be attached to beliefs I don’t believe in or support.

I feel angry that my friends live so far away.

I feel angry at myself for my health and body.

I feel angry that our honeymoon period could only last our honeymoon.

I feel angry that I don’t have anyone to talk to.

I feel angry that some people are so condescending.

I feel angry that the world can never be supportive.

I feel angry.

I feel hurt.

I feel hurt that my husband won’t talk to me about his concerns.

I feel hurt that I always have to make an effort.

I feel hurt that I am the tag along.

I feel hurt that I can’t be a provider.

I feel hurt that I am by some viewed as not equal.

I feel hurt that I am told to be a follower.

I feel hurt that my skills are often not utilized or not noticed.

I feel hurt that my thoughts are not always valued.

I feel hurt that I feel as though I let others down.

I feel hurt that I try so hard but don’t succeed.

I feel hurt that I am a burden to my parents.

I feel hurt that I snap so often at people I love.

I feel hurt.

I feel confused. I feel cheated. I feel betrayed. I feel stupid. I feel depressed. I feel exhausted. I feel useless. I feel trapped. I feel small. 

I feel like this has been and will continue to be an endless feeling.

Wedding Blog

Hello All,

I started a new blog just for the wedding so if you want to be in the loop on all the work going into it feel free to check it out here!

http://thacyhughson.blogspot.com/

I will also put the link in on the sidebar ---->

Engagement!

I GOT ENGAGED YESTERDAY!!!!!!!

Today someone brought up the point of how though the outcome of choices in life can be the same, that it is the journey that matters.

I would like to expound upon that and talk about how that applies well to my college career. But it is 11:54 and I'm exhausted.

New beginnings all over Again

So now my blog title has had to change once again as I find myself at George Fox. That means that this is really my fourth college in four years... Wasn't exactly the plan that I had starting out in college but I guess things happen. I haven't really had much time to adjust yet since this is only my fourth day of school but I can definitely tell that things are different here than at any other school.

One of the big things is obviously the religion. It is a bit strange to see bible passages in my syllabi and at the end of every other sentence in a PowerPoint. It is different and not something that I am used to yet. Also praying at the beginning of class is a bit odd coming from the secular school side of things.



But the religion isn't the most shocking part of Fox to me. It's the incredible sense of community. It is a literal everyone knows pretty much everyone and is connected to each other. It isn't a hey introduce yourselves in the group for a group discussion and then forget everyone's names it is a constant attempt to remember who that girl was that couldn't find the bathrooms on the second floor and the girl who spilled her water bottle behind you. People are genuinely interested in knowing other people. You can say yeah I was talking to that girl Alyssa in the theater department and people who you are talking to will know exactly who you are talking about. You really are known here. People don't treat this college as a go to class and get it done, but it is it's own environment. It's own culture really. It's strange...

I haven't yet found my niche but I'm not worried about it. I have the theater capstone class this term and as soon as I walked in everyone wanted to know my name and introduced themselves before class. So I don't have a fear about getting in, it just hasn't happened yet. I think I need a bit longer than 4 days.



Commuting is kind of sucky. I don't mind it that much because the drive isn't bad. But not being able to run home to make lunch or to get some work done is strange. I suppose I could go to Thad's but it seems kind of packed. They have 4 boys plus usually a 5th or 6th and plus me in that apartment feels like I am being intrusive. And I don't feel comfortable being there when Thad's not there. Which wasn't a problem last year but for some reason this year feels that way...

I am happy here but it is just all very different. The class layouts are very different and my entire term is so focused on reading and not writing papers that it feels very strange. And going back to St.Helens for work and being a TA with my own hours and working on the show is a lot to balance. Not because of the work load but because of the brain capacity to process each thing and everything at the same time. I'm hoping that a lot of that will resolve after I get more of a schedule going. I still haven't figured out my plan for when I will go home each day and how I will pass spare time on campus. I think more time will help but it is hard to stay focused constantly. I'm looking forward to my weekends.

I am happy here. I think it was the best move for me to come here. I like being able to see Thad everyday. It isn't always the most quality of time we have together but it is good to have some "both of us are busy but we make it work" interactions. I feel like we haven't done much of that and we need that experience.

I'm doing a lot of trying to figure out the way things work here because it is so different than my other collegiate experiences.

It is also a lot harder for me to concentrate this week on school. My brain isn't use to focusing on someone lecture at me and I find myself not spacing out but having my own thought bubbles in response to the instructor block out their questions or part of the lecture. My brain hasn't had to listen and mentally respond while still paying attention for a while so it is hard for it to do it.

I have a feeling most of this term is going to be a bit hectic. So I will look forward to my Christmas break :-)