Starting to journal

Giving this journaling thing a try,

 

Its hard to not have a job and also hard to be applying for unemployment. It feels like I should get a job but there isn't a way with this pandemic for me to feel like I can make it happen in a way that is safe for Shana. its hard because Thads schedule keeps changing and so i dont feel confident in applying to a job and then not being clear about when I can work. I feel like since losing my dad im just now in a place where childcare isnt really an option. But i also dont want to. I like knowing that i am here for Shana and being able to help watch her grow up. And its not like we are sitting around at home all day, we go over to mom and dads and go down to Eugene once a week. But there are days that feel like I made no progress and that nothing became of the day. I think it feels like a constant battle to climb up hill because I cant plan acitivities because I feel nervous that they are unsafe or will feel called out for going and doing something and then putting everyone that I do see at risk. I dont have any big aspirations for going and doing anything either though. I think some days i wake up and have all the energy and some days I wake up and its just going to be a nothing day. 

I was talking to mom and we both were reflecting on how life was when it wasn't just trudging to get through the day and then having to wake up and do another one. I know its because of the grief. I know its because of depression. I get it. Im not complaining but it just SUCKS. Its hard to remember what life used to be like. Because now i have basically none of what it used to be. And im not saying my life isnt worth living or that I dont have positive things in my life like Shana, and Thad and my nephews and neice, and family, and a house to live in, and blah blah blah. I know i have many good things in my life ans things to be happy and blessed about. This isnt about that. This is about I lost everything that made my life feel like my life. I lost my job that I would sit and plan about at home, and do drawings for, and plan home depot trips, and car swaps, and Shana care, and lunches or lack there of to bring, I lost my drives to sthelens for marching band, I lost interacting with my students and having lots of conenctions outside of my family that to me, i was always trying to make meaningful. I lost my dad. My rock. My scope of what life was and how I should react to it and what I should do, and his perspective. I lost a lot. And I can feel bad about that. I lost the time for myself driving and thinking and having something else on my mind to think about and work on. Now im just home. And there are many parts about that that I like. I think that my ideal situation would be being a stay at home mom and then having a part time theatre job. Like i did.... 

I feel unqualified for simple jobs, i feel overqualified at the same time. I feel like i am above some of these jobs. But really i dont want to feel like im just wasting my time. If im going to work id rather do something that I love, not just be working to work and then if im doing childcare i feel like i need to make enough to make it worth it or else im just stuck doing a stupid job that I dont love that isnt worth my time for like $4 an hour. But its really that i'm missing out on raising Shana and being with her for what? A stupid job crappy job that I could care less about. I dont want to work as a cashier at dollar tree. If im getting a job i want to feel like im being helpful. I think like a receptionist at a old folks home or soemthing where i am nice and kind and helpful. Something like that I think i would be good at. But for now i think, damn that means i see and interact with a lot of people and that seems not safe... so I dunno. I feel stuck in that whole sense and then having to do weekly claims feels bad. like i have to go look for work, but i dont really have the ability to, but i have to. So its frustrating. And its frustrating that I haven't/ might not get paid out for the summer. And Like im glad that I wasnt working with everyhting that happened, but like i loved that job damnit!