I feel...

I am grateful for my parents. I am grateful for my family. I feel grateful for my friends. But…

I feel sad.

I feel sad for my husband that he can’t find a job.

I feel sad for me for not being able to find a steady job either.

I feel sad that the job I love it’s not consistent enough for the lifestyle I want.

I feel sad that we can’t afford our own place.

I feel sad that we are newly married and are in this situation.

I feel sad that our marriage is starting so poorly.

I feel sad that I’m failing at it already.

I feel sad that I work so hard and have nothing to show for it.

I feel sad that I feel useless.

I feel sad that I am so angry.

I feel sad that I spent so much money getting my degree.

I feel sad that we are so financially strapped.

I feel sad that I have to rely so much on my parents for money.

I feel sad I was at the right college for so short a time.

I feel sad that I am stuck while everyone's life seems to be moving forward.

I feel sad for the day when our family wants to go on vacation and we have to say we can’t afford it.

I feel sad we won’t be in a position to have kids for so long.

I feel sad that we have had so many broken promises on jobs and opportunities.

I feel sad that I trust nothing in the plans we make.

I feel sad that I have to pretend everything is great.

I feel sad that I am so disappointed in God.

I feel sad that the church feels the way it does.

I feel sad that I have no drive to go because I am so angry and hurt.

I feel sad that I don’t feel valued by so many.

I feel sad that my age makes me discriminated against.

I feel sad that nothing has changed in so long.

I feel sad that I don’t believe it will get better soon.

I feel sad that I can’t be brave for my husband.

I feel sad that we both are growing increasingly depressed.

I feel sad that where we are, even being newly married, is the worst he has ever felt.

I feel sad when people ask us how being married is and I have to laugh and say that I wouldn’t know because we live with my parents.

I feel sad that my parents want so much for us but are powerless to do anything.

I feel sad.

I feel angry.

I feel angry that I have to stick up for my beliefs so often against the church.

I feel angry that I am viewed as an extension of Thad and not my own person there.

I feel angry that rules should govern my relationship with God.

I feel angry that I can’t convince people of my worth.

I feel angry that I can’t find a job.

I feel angry that my degree means so little yet cost so much.

I feel angry at my husband because he wants to be the provider.

I feel angry at him for wanting to be secluded in his worry.

I feel angry that I never have time for just me by myself.

I feel angry that I have no space to make my own.

I feel angry that I will probably have to live in an urban area.

I feel angry that I care so much.

I feel angry that I can’t leave the church.

I feel angry that my name has to be attached to beliefs I don’t believe in or support.

I feel angry that my friends live so far away.

I feel angry at myself for my health and body.

I feel angry that our honeymoon period could only last our honeymoon.

I feel angry that I don’t have anyone to talk to.

I feel angry that some people are so condescending.

I feel angry that the world can never be supportive.

I feel angry.

I feel hurt.

I feel hurt that my husband won’t talk to me about his concerns.

I feel hurt that I always have to make an effort.

I feel hurt that I am the tag along.

I feel hurt that I can’t be a provider.

I feel hurt that I am by some viewed as not equal.

I feel hurt that I am told to be a follower.

I feel hurt that my skills are often not utilized or not noticed.

I feel hurt that my thoughts are not always valued.

I feel hurt that I feel as though I let others down.

I feel hurt that I try so hard but don’t succeed.

I feel hurt that I am a burden to my parents.

I feel hurt that I snap so often at people I love.

I feel hurt.

I feel confused. I feel cheated. I feel betrayed. I feel stupid. I feel depressed. I feel exhausted. I feel useless. I feel trapped. I feel small. 

I feel like this has been and will continue to be an endless feeling.

Wedding Blog

Hello All,

I started a new blog just for the wedding so if you want to be in the loop on all the work going into it feel free to check it out here!

http://thacyhughson.blogspot.com/

I will also put the link in on the sidebar ---->

Engagement!

I GOT ENGAGED YESTERDAY!!!!!!!

Today someone brought up the point of how though the outcome of choices in life can be the same, that it is the journey that matters.

I would like to expound upon that and talk about how that applies well to my college career. But it is 11:54 and I'm exhausted.

New beginnings all over Again

So now my blog title has had to change once again as I find myself at George Fox. That means that this is really my fourth college in four years... Wasn't exactly the plan that I had starting out in college but I guess things happen. I haven't really had much time to adjust yet since this is only my fourth day of school but I can definitely tell that things are different here than at any other school.

One of the big things is obviously the religion. It is a bit strange to see bible passages in my syllabi and at the end of every other sentence in a PowerPoint. It is different and not something that I am used to yet. Also praying at the beginning of class is a bit odd coming from the secular school side of things.



But the religion isn't the most shocking part of Fox to me. It's the incredible sense of community. It is a literal everyone knows pretty much everyone and is connected to each other. It isn't a hey introduce yourselves in the group for a group discussion and then forget everyone's names it is a constant attempt to remember who that girl was that couldn't find the bathrooms on the second floor and the girl who spilled her water bottle behind you. People are genuinely interested in knowing other people. You can say yeah I was talking to that girl Alyssa in the theater department and people who you are talking to will know exactly who you are talking about. You really are known here. People don't treat this college as a go to class and get it done, but it is it's own environment. It's own culture really. It's strange...

I haven't yet found my niche but I'm not worried about it. I have the theater capstone class this term and as soon as I walked in everyone wanted to know my name and introduced themselves before class. So I don't have a fear about getting in, it just hasn't happened yet. I think I need a bit longer than 4 days.



Commuting is kind of sucky. I don't mind it that much because the drive isn't bad. But not being able to run home to make lunch or to get some work done is strange. I suppose I could go to Thad's but it seems kind of packed. They have 4 boys plus usually a 5th or 6th and plus me in that apartment feels like I am being intrusive. And I don't feel comfortable being there when Thad's not there. Which wasn't a problem last year but for some reason this year feels that way...

I am happy here but it is just all very different. The class layouts are very different and my entire term is so focused on reading and not writing papers that it feels very strange. And going back to St.Helens for work and being a TA with my own hours and working on the show is a lot to balance. Not because of the work load but because of the brain capacity to process each thing and everything at the same time. I'm hoping that a lot of that will resolve after I get more of a schedule going. I still haven't figured out my plan for when I will go home each day and how I will pass spare time on campus. I think more time will help but it is hard to stay focused constantly. I'm looking forward to my weekends.

I am happy here. I think it was the best move for me to come here. I like being able to see Thad everyday. It isn't always the most quality of time we have together but it is good to have some "both of us are busy but we make it work" interactions. I feel like we haven't done much of that and we need that experience.

I'm doing a lot of trying to figure out the way things work here because it is so different than my other collegiate experiences.

It is also a lot harder for me to concentrate this week on school. My brain isn't use to focusing on someone lecture at me and I find myself not spacing out but having my own thought bubbles in response to the instructor block out their questions or part of the lecture. My brain hasn't had to listen and mentally respond while still paying attention for a while so it is hard for it to do it.

I have a feeling most of this term is going to be a bit hectic. So I will look forward to my Christmas break :-)

Rest in Peace

I've been kind of struggling lately with the concept of Rest in Peace.

And I've been working up the nerve to get my thoughts about it out but every time I get close it feels like someone dies and it seems like a bad time...

I don't like the phrase. Rest in Peace. It sounds so final but then it makes me wonder if it is because of the connuntation. We would never say that to someone going to sleep. For rather obvious reasons. But we think it works for death.

Rest in Peace.

Maybe it's just me but it makes it seem like the person is going to have their soul just lay in the box and just rest there. forever. And we are hoping no one digs them up. That's what I think about when I hear it. But that isn't what I believe happens. I don't think that we sit in a box. I believe we go to heaven. And we dance and sing and worship God. We don't Rest in Peace. We celebrate in heaven.

So it makes me wonder why people in the church use the term. Shouldn't we say something like D.I.H. Dance in Heaven? Or something more full of life? Rest in Peace sounds so... solemn.

Just my thoughts badly expressed.