I kind of feel like i am a mess. But i'm not acting like it. I just feel like i am CONSTANTLY being judged now. Like if i say something it is automatically because i like pink, or i'm a princess, or because it's me so of course i would like that. Or if i am not talking it is because i am in a bad mood. Or if i say anything about the wedding i am being picky, or dumb, or obsessive, or something. And i'm not really mad or anything but i just find it obnoxious. And with this whole wedding thing i just fel like people are giving me shit for DOING MY JOB. I'm not forcing anyone to make decisions i am just trying to figure out what people want from this. And trying to find things that maybe no one thought of yet. But i just feel like (not by you Megan) that i am getting all this flack from it. Like it's all i do anymore, but it isn't. Like it is just making me mad when i say oh i found sme cool bridesmaids dresses that Meg liked and people say "Well of course you would be looking at that". UH YEAH. I would. Because it has to be done eventually. And since I don't know how to help with anything else i am doing things that i know how to do! Or just if i say anything about anyone, then suddenly i have been having this deep hatred for someone or something when really it was just a little thing. Or i say hey that guy is cute then suddenly i am obsessed with him. Like none of these are big things they are just adding up and making me feel less accepted right now. Like i shouldn't like what i like, or say anything about anything because in a way whatever i say just gets demeaned. Like oh you would. ... Yeah i would or else i would have never said anything...
I dunno i just feel not very respected right now. Like everyone just thinks of me as a ditz and I am really not. It's just hurtful because I have been trying to not be the straight-A, perfectionist, hard worker, eye on the prize, people pleasing person that I used to be. But now it's like my opinions about little things don't matter.
Maybe it just feels this way because of being around Bryce... Sometimes he comes off really sexist and i don;t think he means to but I just find it really insulting. Today i said, ÿeah we are having turquoise dresses"not yellow, because most people look bad in yellow like me." And he says "Why just because it isn't pink you won't wear it?" No... I wear colors other than pink ALL the time... In fact i wear more blue than anything else. But it was just little things adding up and making me upset. And not only that it's making me just not want to say anything.
I dunno. Maybe i am taking things to heart too much. And really i am not that stressed out. And i am great at time managing and keeping what is most important first on things to do. Keeping my priorities straight i guess. I think maybe i just need a little more ME time. And a little more do things for myself moments. All about finding the right balance everyday.
And all this isn't to say that I am stressed about the wedding. We are only 6 days in. And i am having fun!
On a very side note...
About 2 months ago i started trying to watch what i eat a little more. But mostly just tracking what i do eat. Not that i think i am fat by any stretch. It was mostly just something to occupy myself with and when i biked showed how much i would burn and stuff. But i started noticing that i would think of how many calories something had instead of whether i actually wanted to eat it. Like I would think hey i want subway and then i would say but my sandwich has 820 calories and i can only eat 1200 a day or whatever. Which is dumb. I mean I'm pretty young and i feel like i look pretty normal for my age and though my BMI is overweight that system was never made to show whether you were actually healthy or not. And i don't have an eating disorder or anything and i still eat whatever I want even if i go over calories or whatever. I just wish that i wouldn't think about it? I dunno not an issue and i don't intend for it to ever be one. I just wish that society wouldn't make it an issue. It can destroy people.
