Yep.

I'm pretty much loner-ing right now. My friends have been ignoring me since i got back and making excuses for not seeing me... That kinda sucks but i guess that shows that they aren't very good friends... Yeah.

Today i went to class that i hate and listened to speeches all day. Boring.... Made me want to fall asleep. I keep dreaming a lot lately. Its nice but realy annoying because i don;t remember it ever. Jasmine snores. Its annoying... Its so loud i have to wear earplugs. And then its still loud. I want to get a single room. I think i would like it a lot better... I'm like pulling my hair out here. I don't like having to share my space...

Sunset Classic

So i came home. Like all weekends recently. But i wouldn't be able to do it any other way. But i came home and got to play in the pep band at Homecoming. That was nice. I still know all the songs. And yeah. It was good and fun. I liked it. I saw the cutest thing of my life. Meeuswens little boy tried to play my flute. But he tried by blowing it on the bottom. And then i was like ummmm who's small child is this?! And he was like oh sorry that's mine and i was like oh okay so i showed him the thole he's supposed to blow on and he couldn't do it of course because he is little but then he tried to blow on my key holes because i have an open holed flute. It was funnnny! But adorable. Probably one of the top 5 cutest things of my life. So i played it and let him push buttons. But he was cute.

I went to the Sunset Classic Comp. I went and helped out. I set up camp with the patrons and then waited for everyone to get there. Then i helped with the guard make-up and saved the day by having my flute and letting them borrow it. Then i helped onto the field. And then i taught the DM's a new salute. It was good i think... Lots of old memories...

Friends.

I think I'm having trouble with my friends. I feel conflicted. I want to have fun with them but i feel like they don;t want me around a lot of the time. I get left out of plans until the last minute when they forget to tell me things, or they just don;t tell me when they are getting together. I don't know if I'm just imagining things or if this is really how it is. I feel like I'm in a place right now where i want and need friends but where i feel like they don't want me. I think I'm having trust issues... I feel like they may be talking about me. Or something. Or that they don;t want to hang out with me because i'm different... I know this might not be it though.

We sort of made plans to go to the corn maize after work tomorrow and then go to the roloff pumpkin patch the next day. My thought was that since its in Sauvies Island that we could just crash at my house since it would be less driving. I was getting excited that I'd have friends over because i like ever do. I felt like i was allowing them into my house which is a big step for me in a friendship. I never have people over. But it seemed like every time i brought up the idea they were against it... Which made me feel bad... Not because it is my house but just because they didn't want to. Like they didn't want to be where i lived. But yet they always say "oh I'll take you here when you come visit me in Alaska or Hawaii or Seattle." I just thought I'd share my house with them... But i feel like they keep making reasons why not. They decided at dinner that they'd pitch for gas a little more so we could drive back and forth each time. But i really didn't want to do that. So i said again why don't we stay at my house? And then Niki said she needed to work on a paper. And i said well it would probably give you more time to do it at my house because it's closer and will be less car time. But then it just got decided that driving lots was better. I just don;t get it. I feel like i put myself out there and they didn't really care... Finally i just said forget it. We'll do it next weekend. And then they sounded upset. But i really feel like i need to go home. I need to get out of here. And i feel hurt by them. I feel hurt by everyone right now. I feel pressure and hurt and deceived. And i know that that's normal. But it just hurts...

My instinct is to lash out but then i feel worse. Then i feel like i;m hurting people just so that i can get them to stop being close to me. I feel vulnerable when people are close. I feel like i've been hurt by anyone who's really ever been close to me. And not just Jordan but Brittany, and Bre, and Abby, and H, and just everyone. I feel like i get close and someone stabs me in the back. So i just stop trying.

It just seems like every attempt that i try to make to trust and to include has left me scarred. And scarred to the point that i block myself off so that i don't have to do it over and over. 

I feel like the only thing that has gotten me through this week has been praying to God. And i haven;t gotten anything back but i just feel like He's the one thing that i can trust right now. Because He's the only one who isn't going to give up on me. And He's the only one who's going to keep me able to push through this day after day. And i pray everyday day for patience in the time I'm going through. And i pray everyday for him to fix my relationship. And i think that's the only reason that i can walk to class everyday is by listening to worship songs the whole way. But I struggle because i haven't seen anything yet. And i know it takes time but it's hard. Everything is hard right now and i just need out of here.

Transfering

We finished the spanish apartments movie in french. It was good i thought. I liked not having to think too much. I hve been working on my four year plan for Linfield because i have to. And currently because i want to take Writing 121 and Math so that i can transfer. I really think that i might.... I feel bad because i sorta have good theatre stuff going for me here but i just don't like it here. I think that i sucked myself into going here because i was the valedictorian and i needed to be the one who was going to go places in life so i had to go to the fancy school and get away from everyone and anything. But i really don;t think that this is the place for me. And after looking at the difference between a BA and a BFA i think that if i want to continue in theatre that i want to do it in a BFA program. After filling out the four year plan i just am filled with dread for what i have to do. And i don't think that's what it's supposed to feel like when you're trying to start dong what you will for the rest of your life. I mean i know that a lot of college is doing stuff that you don't want to do. But i feel like i should like some of it should be something i want to do... I dunno. I'm not closing the door on it but i am planning so that i have the option... Which i want to take...

I feel Mad

I feel really mad and bitter righ now. Not at anyone but just in general. I;m mad that all i get to do is work. I;m mad that i;m hungry all the time. I'm mad that the Albertsons Pharmacy line was so slow. I;m mad that i have to write a paper. I'm mad that this author is basically calling everyone who does a BFA stupid and stuck up. Ilm mad that i have to listen to this acting crap when i could honestly care less right now. I'm mad that when i go on facebook all the posts are pictures. What the is this tumblr now?! I;m mad that i keep eating. I'm mad that i tried to buy jeans today and they all sucked. I'm mad that i spent all day yesterday working on my speech that she didn;t even take or look at today. I'm mad that my fingers are too short to reach the ' key so i always hit the ; key instead which makes me look stupid. I'm mad that i never get a break i feel like. I'm mad that my phone keeps turning off for no reason. I'm mad that i feel stuck here. I'm mad that i don't care about the quality of work i'm doing. I'm mad that i don;t have a computer lap desk so i get really hot. I;m mad that my bed has railings so i can't sit up on it without my neck hurting. And i'm mad that i don't have any apple cinnamon cheerios.

Why Are Things This Way?

Slept terrible last night. I hit my head on the effin wall twice. I do not know how. I remember just like smacking my forehead on it straight on. which is insane because i sleep parallel to the wall. So i would of had to sit up to do it... I don;t know. I also kept waking up all night because i was scared to oversleep. So i woke up a lot. Jasmines still got her side of the room exploding. Funny how hers makes me want to clean my side....

My fish are all gonna die. 2 already did. I have an algae problem even though i have an algae eater... SO i put in the chemicals and followed the directions but now 2 fish are dead and the other white one is acting like he;s gonna die. I hate that i can;t take care of fish. I feel so out of control of everything. I don;t know if i'm going to get more after this. I like them but they die and i feel awful and depressed. Like i don;t already.... But it just sucks. These were the fish that Jordan picked out too. How fitting that i kill them at the same time as our relationship dies. Awesome. I feel like shit. I don't wanna be here. I just wanna talk to him. I wana go see him. I feel like if i could i could fix it or something... Which i probably can't.... But I Love him. I really do. I don;t care about school because i'd rather be with him. I'd rather uproot my life than have to do this. I wish i could justify going to OIT... And i keep seeing myself driving down there and showing up at his door and everything being normal. Or having him come here and surprise me. I just can't accept that this is how it is... I don't know if that's God telling me that i should be holding on or if its that i can't accept it yet.

I don't know if i want to do theatre forever. I really like it but i don't know if i want it as a job. I'd rather do something normal... I don;t know if i want to stay here... I know i'd feel like this if i was anywhere but i feel like although i wish it was that Linfield just might not be the right fit for me. I don't want to stay here for four years... I think that i'd do better at a college where i don;t have to live on campus. It;s hard for me to decipher between when i can relax and when i have to do things. I feel like i am always here and there's no escape because i'm here all the time where i have to learn and live. I'd rather have the difference of having to leave to go to school and then have a place like home where it;s an escape. I think that's really what i need to be successful. And i can't get that here for 3 more years... I think that i'll need to transfer. I know that i've been blessed here with the theatre and the job and everything but i just think that it's not right for what i need.

Fight Another Day