Why Are Things This Way?

Slept terrible last night. I hit my head on the effin wall twice. I do not know how. I remember just like smacking my forehead on it straight on. which is insane because i sleep parallel to the wall. So i would of had to sit up to do it... I don;t know. I also kept waking up all night because i was scared to oversleep. So i woke up a lot. Jasmines still got her side of the room exploding. Funny how hers makes me want to clean my side....

My fish are all gonna die. 2 already did. I have an algae problem even though i have an algae eater... SO i put in the chemicals and followed the directions but now 2 fish are dead and the other white one is acting like he;s gonna die. I hate that i can;t take care of fish. I feel so out of control of everything. I don;t know if i'm going to get more after this. I like them but they die and i feel awful and depressed. Like i don;t already.... But it just sucks. These were the fish that Jordan picked out too. How fitting that i kill them at the same time as our relationship dies. Awesome. I feel like shit. I don't wanna be here. I just wanna talk to him. I wana go see him. I feel like if i could i could fix it or something... Which i probably can't.... But I Love him. I really do. I don;t care about school because i'd rather be with him. I'd rather uproot my life than have to do this. I wish i could justify going to OIT... And i keep seeing myself driving down there and showing up at his door and everything being normal. Or having him come here and surprise me. I just can't accept that this is how it is... I don't know if that's God telling me that i should be holding on or if its that i can't accept it yet.

I don't know if i want to do theatre forever. I really like it but i don't know if i want it as a job. I'd rather do something normal... I don;t know if i want to stay here... I know i'd feel like this if i was anywhere but i feel like although i wish it was that Linfield just might not be the right fit for me. I don't want to stay here for four years... I think that i'd do better at a college where i don;t have to live on campus. It;s hard for me to decipher between when i can relax and when i have to do things. I feel like i am always here and there's no escape because i'm here all the time where i have to learn and live. I'd rather have the difference of having to leave to go to school and then have a place like home where it;s an escape. I think that's really what i need to be successful. And i can't get that here for 3 more years... I think that i'll need to transfer. I know that i've been blessed here with the theatre and the job and everything but i just think that it's not right for what i need.