Friends.

I think I'm having trouble with my friends. I feel conflicted. I want to have fun with them but i feel like they don;t want me around a lot of the time. I get left out of plans until the last minute when they forget to tell me things, or they just don;t tell me when they are getting together. I don't know if I'm just imagining things or if this is really how it is. I feel like I'm in a place right now where i want and need friends but where i feel like they don't want me. I think I'm having trust issues... I feel like they may be talking about me. Or something. Or that they don;t want to hang out with me because i'm different... I know this might not be it though.

We sort of made plans to go to the corn maize after work tomorrow and then go to the roloff pumpkin patch the next day. My thought was that since its in Sauvies Island that we could just crash at my house since it would be less driving. I was getting excited that I'd have friends over because i like ever do. I felt like i was allowing them into my house which is a big step for me in a friendship. I never have people over. But it seemed like every time i brought up the idea they were against it... Which made me feel bad... Not because it is my house but just because they didn't want to. Like they didn't want to be where i lived. But yet they always say "oh I'll take you here when you come visit me in Alaska or Hawaii or Seattle." I just thought I'd share my house with them... But i feel like they keep making reasons why not. They decided at dinner that they'd pitch for gas a little more so we could drive back and forth each time. But i really didn't want to do that. So i said again why don't we stay at my house? And then Niki said she needed to work on a paper. And i said well it would probably give you more time to do it at my house because it's closer and will be less car time. But then it just got decided that driving lots was better. I just don;t get it. I feel like i put myself out there and they didn't really care... Finally i just said forget it. We'll do it next weekend. And then they sounded upset. But i really feel like i need to go home. I need to get out of here. And i feel hurt by them. I feel hurt by everyone right now. I feel pressure and hurt and deceived. And i know that that's normal. But it just hurts...

My instinct is to lash out but then i feel worse. Then i feel like i;m hurting people just so that i can get them to stop being close to me. I feel vulnerable when people are close. I feel like i've been hurt by anyone who's really ever been close to me. And not just Jordan but Brittany, and Bre, and Abby, and H, and just everyone. I feel like i get close and someone stabs me in the back. So i just stop trying.

It just seems like every attempt that i try to make to trust and to include has left me scarred. And scarred to the point that i block myself off so that i don't have to do it over and over. 

I feel like the only thing that has gotten me through this week has been praying to God. And i haven;t gotten anything back but i just feel like He's the one thing that i can trust right now. Because He's the only one who isn't going to give up on me. And He's the only one who's going to keep me able to push through this day after day. And i pray everyday day for patience in the time I'm going through. And i pray everyday for him to fix my relationship. And i think that's the only reason that i can walk to class everyday is by listening to worship songs the whole way. But I struggle because i haven't seen anything yet. And i know it takes time but it's hard. Everything is hard right now and i just need out of here.