Weekend. Halloween

This weekend i went to the band championships. It was cool to see the shows actually done. And in some ways i miss it but in others i don't. I just miss having friends and stuff. I also watched all the twilight movies. Because i could. I like them alright. They get a bad rap but i don't care. I had to write a paper this weekend. I am still not done. I hate it. Its stupid and awful and sucks. ten pages. About music in egypt. And i really couldn't care less. Its dumb. Jasmines still a slob...

I really want out. I hate this room. I hate her. I hate campus. I want my own space.

Tonight i;m taking Sami to go to Bill and Kathis for Halloweeen. Should be fun. Good to get out... Yeah, not much to say other than that...

Oh. Except for halloween. Whats with all the skank?!?!

Ugh

So the reason that there hasn't been posts pretty much all week is because i got signed out of my blog account and couldn;t get back in. So i tried to get my password sent to me but then it wasn;t for this email and it was a big mess. But now i'm back.

Hopefully i can get a single room soon. I got a counscelor to sign a note thing saying she thinks i would benefit from it. So now i just hope that one is available which i bet there is not... But i hope there is. But it's been really chaotic.

Yesterday night i went to spencers to carve pumpkins. That was fun i made a bat but i think i made it too big so its not as col as it would have been if i made it small. I didn't think about it enough... Um. My INQS class sucks still... Like always. And so that's been stressful and making me mad. I really am not liking my french class because i don't understand whats going on and i do the workbook pages like we're supposed to but no one else is so its annoying to me that he's not ever going to check them. But i keep doing them because if i didn't then i would never understand anything. But there's been lots of listening things and they go too fast so i downloaded a music software that slows down the words for me. But its still really hard because it will be slow but the one word i need they say super fast. So that really sucks... And i feel like i'm in too high of a level than i should be in.  Or higher i guess is what i should say.

This week has been hard... But like any have been easy. But i think if i can get a single i would be a lot happier. And it would be in a different hall that would be nice. But hopefully there is one open...

I'm supposed to wear my retainer at night but i keep forgetting so it doesn't fit quite right at the moment. And i wore it last night but i woke up with it stabbing my in the stomach. So i need to wear it for a while.

I swear i've heard Jasmine say "Okay" five billion times. I HATE that word. HATE IT. Also she came in at 1:20 last night. Ugh...

My head feels like bad

Wow. I woke up this morning and fell over. My head feels like when you stand up too fast and your eyes go black but the feeling won;t go away. When i walk i feel dizzy and like i;m going to pass out any second. I've been getting 8-9 hours every night. And i drink at least 2 of my water bottles a day. And i eat. But wow. I just feel completely spacey. I went to go to my car and i went to a car that looked completely not like my car. Yeah. Scary. I called health services and they;ll see me tomorrow. But for now i can't like do anything without feeling like crap. I took a nap when i got home. And now i don;t even think i can like stand up without my head throbbing. Bleh. I dunno what i'lll do about band tonight. Ugh.

Scriptures I've found / like.

" Be strong and courageous. Do not fear or be in dread of them, for it is the Lord your God who goes with you. He will no leave you or forsake you." - Deuteronomy 31:6

Also i wrote on my mirror:

"If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone." - Romans 18:12

But i couldn't get a picture of the mirror.

Bats

I made 27 bats tonight and hung them up in my hall. No one can tell me that i'm not making an effort.

Amoxicillin = X-P

These antibiotics taste horrible.And they float. And thats about the real size of them. (Okay maybe not...) They suck.

I have a french oral exam today. Blech. I really hope i can just read off the paper and have him judge me on my pronounciation. I have a partner that i don;t really like. But on the bright side i won't have to go to that class tomorrow. Maybe i'll see if anyone anywhere is doing anything because i'd be out from 11:45 to 7:30 and not have anything to do. I cranked out 1/10 pages for my final. But i think that it is double spaced so it'd actually be 2! Yay! Go me. I found out that my design project of line weights is messed up because my lines are supposed to be 1/4 of an inch apart but i measured from each line instead of the top/ bottom of the page... So now it's messed up but i already finished it so i don't care. But i might get some point off for that. And some of my lines are too thick. But i do not care. I like it and i worked hard on it.

But the research paper class will qualify for 121 credit so i think that will be my schedule if i can get the classes in. Or rather me in the classes.

Tentative Schedule

That's sort of what i think i wanna do next semester as far as classes. I want to not take the next french course. Assuming i'm staying at Linfield that's what i need for the BA requirement is just one term of 200. And  its also assuming that research paper prep would be counted by WOU as a writing 121 equivalence which i'm waiting to hear back on... But i dunno. I tried to push classes together as best i could. But yeah. Oh and also assuming i work the same hours. That would put me at 16 credits. Which is good.

Tissues

I ran out of tissues. You know what's sadder than running out of tissues?

Nothing.

Friday is My Easiest Day

Yesterday after my stupid class i went to Spencers for dinner. We went and got Subways and then played some more games. It was good. Megan's hyped for kittens. Eventually she'll have to get one. But no kittens yet. But yeah. While i was there i played games and it was good.

Today during clas we started a line weight project. It has to do with how thick lines are so we have to do a bunch of lines in a row that are certain degrees of thickness. I stayed an extra hour after class working on it. I have all Monday to do it too but i just got in a zone. I liked how i didn't have to think about anything but the pencil. I liked that. After i got to a point where i had to stop i went to Albertsons to get my prescription. Those pills are frickin huge! And they smell gross! For begin healthy they sure smell bad! But i haven't seen any sign of things getting better yet. But they take more than a day i'm sure. I also bought lunchables because they are on sale. Oh example of why i don't buy stuff on campus often Lunchable at Catty: $3.00 Lunchable at Alberstons (Normally): $2.19. Ridiculous! But i have $444 on my card and i should by this point be around $326.  Whoops. Guess i need to start buying stuff...

After that i came home and thought about watching Project Runway but then mom called. So we went to lunch in Forest Grove. It amuses me how much old people can talk without realizing that nobody cares... Like no offense. And it wasn't my mom it was some old lady who mom knew. But some people just go on and on and on and the conversation goes from college to their grand kids to football and blech. And they just never shut up! I guess they get lonely.

Then i came home and went to work. That was good. We switched two lights and then cut gels. That was fun. I like cutting gels. Easy here because we use a paper cutter. It works really good. They should do that other places. (HINT: JOSH) It's nice and fast and easy. Also i had to cut heat shields. Which are like gels but they are clear and feel lighter and you put them in with dark colored gels so that they don't burn out. They'd be really good on cyc lights i think. But they are a pain to cut because it's literally like cutting gels that have on invincibility cloaks. Impossible to see! But they are cool.

On the way back to my dorm i was thinking "Wow i wonder if Jasmines parents came down for parents weekend. It seems a popular thing" And when i opened the door. BAM. They they were. So that was weird. Thanks for the heas up so i could wash my dishes... But whatever, my side compared to hers... But the best thing is that she straightened up! Yay! Its nice. I can see the floor! And now she's sleeping away because someones roommate is gone and they're nervous by themselves or something. But yay! So now i've just been chillin in my room. Not doing any homework. Blech. But that stupid professor added ANOTHER paper. UGH.

Wednesday that Feels like Tuesday because Tuesday Sucked.

Today i woke up and went to my theatre class. It was pretty low key. We talked about line weights. Then i came back to the room to fill out my insurance and health forms. Then i went to my appointment at the health center. I felt really silly going in there because i wasn't sure there was really truly anything up. And i'd feel really dumb if its just a sore throat. But by the time that i got in it was 30 minutes after my time. But whatever. I had nothing to do. Played Chuzzle the whole time i was waiting. But when i got in they went over all my history and stuff.

I told her that i keep feeling like the top of my throat is really constricted and it feels hard to breath. She said like a sore throat? And i said no higher than that like at the top of my neck. She looked and said that my lymph notes aren't swollen. So that's good. She asked if i had a cold or a respiratory infection recently and i said no. She asked if i had a runny nose. And i said no. She looked at my nose and said it looks dry but that it looks like it has been for a while. She says my lungs are fine. And there that i should be able to breath fine. I told her that I've been coughing up lots of mucus and if i don't that it starts to block my airway and so my doctor put me on Omenzaprole because of acid reflux and my vocal cords. But that it never has really done anything. She said okay. But she looked at my throat and says that my left tonsil is significantly bigger than my right. But that there is no redness or puss which is odd. So she wanted to draw blood to rule out that its something serious. So we did that. Now I'm taking Aleve at least until tomorrow and staying on everything that I'm on now. Her exact words were" i don't think that your in any danger right now" THAT'S COMFORTING. She meant for breathing i think. But the blood results should be back tomorrow and i'll have to stop by and talk to her after 11. I'll probably just go after 3? But i dunno. I get out of class at 11:45 but they leave for lunch at 12.

After that i went to French which succcckkkkkeeedddd. I cannot understand the listening activities because they go too fast. Ugh. But whatever. Just get through it for now. But i think that i might not take it next semester.... Maybe....? I dunno. I have until early November to figure all this out. Yep. After that i went to work. Which was fun. I like work. OH! And i got invited to hang out with some of the theater girls after work on Saturday! I'm supposed to go hang with Kristen but I'm sure that she'll understand if i arrive later. But yeah. They are like Juniors and Seniors and invited me. (I think that the professors told them to be nice to me.) But they are nice girls so i don't really care what their reasoning is! I was happy to be invited. After work i had dinner with Sami. A burger. Like always...

Then i went to go buy Jeans. I went to Goodwill but then i parked infront of a haircut place and since it was a half hour til they closed and i had just washed my hair i got my hair cut. I think that i must really like it because i don't hate it right now like i usually do after i get it cut. It looks pretty much the same but a little shorter so i could get the damage off. Its layered more too. The only thing i don't like is the bang on the smaller side of my part is too long. But i think if i feel the same tomorrow then i will cut it. But then i went and tried on Jeans. I got three pairs for under 30 so that's good i think. They are much more comfortable. But i have to wash them... Which i won't do for a while. But i liked getting them. Then i bought Aleve. And then i tired to go to a college group that i found at Church on the Hill.. I went in and looked around and then found a college age looking guy and asked him about it and he didn't know anything about it. So then we walked around together looking for it and using his computer to find it. But we decided that it must be old information. So then i left. Which was a bummer because i was looking forward to it... :-/  So then i went to get nerds. But i went to 7-11 and Albertsons and apparently they don;t exist anymore. So if anyone finds them i want either the green and red box of them or the pink and purple box. But i bought Sunny-D so that i get vitamins and Apples and Lunchables. Yep. Now I'm here and i have to finish editing my paper.

Meeting With Professors

So i talked to Ty this morning. Wow wait first my morning class that i hate. We were supposed to have all day to peer review for our papers that are due Thursday. Instead! We sat in a circle and said how we were on our country projects. For 100 minutes. And it was sooooooooo boring... Easily could have been done indvidually. But no. We sat there. For 100 minutes. And then traded papers with someone to grade and give back to them sometime later. GAH. Dumb.

But i talked to Ty after that class. He says mostly that he wants to talk to some people for me so that i can be happier here. He says i would only have to take one acting class in the program so yeah. But that this will give me opportunity to see other aspects. Whih i knew. But he says i'll get to design shows or be an assistant in as little as fall next year. Which is not long from now. I think that i still really like the theatre here. And i dunno. If one class is it then maybe i'll just suck it up. But he's going ot talk to the housing guy and the chaplain for me and see whats available.

I talked to Steve too. He says that if the support is at WOU then that's definatley something to think about. He says if there's anything that can be changed so i like it here then he'll make sure to do that. He also suggested living in Monmouth and then commuting here. I think i might kinda like that... I mean. Monmouth has the people that i want and then here has the program. I think it might be a good idea.... Its a new thought that i'm thinking of... He also suggested i contact the admissions at WOU to see the credits that wil transfer and what i should take next semester to make sure i can transfer if i want to.

I'm not looking forward to band tonight. I have not been feeling very good. I feel like my throat is like closed up at the top and i keep coughing up nasty stuff. I have an appointment with Health Services tomorrow but its just nasty. Its harder to breath lately. But i guess i'll just tell her whats up before class so that i can not play if i'm not feeling great. But i've also felt kinda pass-outish. But bleh.

Hard day.

But lately what one isn't...

Today would have been a year a a half. And that's really hard to think about... Yeah i know i should try to not but really after 18 times how do you not notice what day it is... But its been hard for me. Its hard a lot here. I think that i;m mostly set on the idea of transfering at the semester... I really love the theatre department here. But it doesn;t feel worth it with everything else that is here. I don't have a sense of faith here. And i don't feel like i have the support that i need. Or friends. And i know that i could make some with time. But as far as faith goes i just don;t think it's really here for me. Or that i can go to. There is a chaplains ministry thing but its on Tuesday Nights so i can;t go...

Tomorrow i'm going to talk to Ty and he's going to convince me to stay. But i really am not sure that is what i want. It seems to me that it'd be easier and better for me to be somewhere where i know people. Just so that i don't have to fight so hard everyday. I like the theatre. That's not my issue and everyone's nice there. But i just do not want to act. I'm not interested in it. I don't want to do it. I don't. I don't mind anyone that does but i just don't.

Mostly he's just been on my mind today :-/

Love Song

A song that is very close to me is called “When Did You Fall” by Chris Rice. This song is one that I relate to love because it was a song that I played when I fell in love with my first boyfriend. It was the first time that I truly think that I experienced love for someone else. I was dating this guy during a time that our band went to stay overnight in a high school gym because we had a band competition the next day and didn’t want to wake up really early to leave and drive for eight hours. I was not supposed to wake up until eight but I ended up waking up at six and could not fall asleep. I didn’t want to wake up anyone else in the gym so I went to the girls’ locker room and listen to this song on my iPod over and over. After only three or four times through the song a few other girls woke up to take showers and straighten their hair. I continued to dance in the locker room because I was so happy that I had found someone who was special to me. The other girls thought that I was acting very silly but they were happy for me. I think this memory is always going to stay with me because it was the moment that I realized how much I could love someone who wasn’t family and how happy that could make me. This song is very slow and doesn’t have very many voices in the song. It stays very mellow. But the lyrics are very sweet and seem very sincere. I think this song spoke to me because it gave a lot of examples of ways that you can see that someone loves you.

Comfort Song

The most comforting song to me is “Ain’t No Mountain High Enough” by Marvin Gaye and Tammi Terrell. This song is really special to me because my mom used to play it for me on the way to preschool. It was also a song that she played whenever we went on car rides. It was my favorite song because she would let me sing it loudly and probably very badly while she was driving. She would also sing it back to me and it is one of the most special moments that I can remember with her. I knew that no matter what that if I needed my mom that she would be there for me. The lyrics are very meaningful and really helped me see as a child just how much my mom loved me. The chorus says, “There ain't no mountain high enough, Ain't no valley low enough, Ain't no river wide enough, To keep me from getting to you, babe”. I think that this song brings me comfort by knowing how much people can care for one another and just how special the relationship between a parent and a child can be. 

*Part of my paper this week

It's all just so Complex...

I told my theatre professors that i was thinking about transfering. They seemed really sad. And wanted to kno why. I knew they would be upset. But i've always been a people pleaser...

I always hate to disappoint people. So i end up not standing up for myself and deciding that i can deal with a situation because i don't want to disappoint people. And that's something that's not good a lot of the time because then i worry more about what other people want rather than what i want.

Of all the things at Linfield the theatre is the shining light. I like that theatre. I like the professors. But i don't want to have to act... And if i want to major then i have to... But i just don't want to. I'm not interested in it. I feel awkward doing it. I look awkward doing it. It makes me nervous and is not fun. I've never been good at getting adrenaline. I hate it. I never played heads up 7 up or sparkle or any of those group games because i felt put on the spot. I feel that way with acting. I just don't care... I don't see actors being made to do lights... so... why should i have to do theirs? I know they have to do something but i mean for serious? I don't agree.

I don't want to write anymore right now.

At One Point My Life was Awesome, Now It's Gone to Crap.

INQS class was a snooze fest. Apparently i BS-ed my speech really well though. She said on her comments "I could really see the amount of practice and preparation that you took!" I was like ummmmm yeah you mean the running through it once before class started? And then not doing it again til the real deal an hour and a half later? Awesome. I got an 89/90. So pretty sweet. But she turned a 7% of our grade paper into a 15% and its due on Thursday but has to be done on Tuesday... Ugh...

I hung out with Sami a lot today. She's my one friend... But i went to French today and we watched a movie. The prifessor went to visit his family in North Dakota so i don't know why he didn't just cancel class. But the movie is kinda funny. Its called Priceless or Hors de Prix. It's good. I am really antsy to go home.

I found out that my AP euro credit will transfer to WOU as 8 credits. WOW. 8! So i am thinking thats what i really want to do. I'm less and less thinking that theatre is the right thing for me. But i'm more and more thinking that to transfer would be good. I don;t want to stay here for 3 years on campus. I don't like this campus as much as i did at first. And i want a SINGLE. But apparently my RA says i can;t get one unless i have a documented medical condition requiring it. But i told this to Zoe and she said she'd talk to Steve and see if they could pull some strings. I'm meeting with Steve next week on Tuesday I told him i was thinking of transfering so he said he'd like to help me figure out classes and stuff. So that should be good. The course offerings came out and it isn't offering the writing 121 equivalent so hopefully Steve will know what to do. I think i should also go to WOU and talking to someone there.

But yeah. I'm trying sort a to make friends. But its hard... :-/

Dinner with Spencer

There's something to be said about sitting on a stage in a theatre not doing anything. Somehow it makes things not seem so bad.

I guess now i have 1 friend here. I'm glad i have her. I don't really know where my brain would be if i didn't have someone who's here to talk to. The other three... Well. I don't think you'll be hearing me talk about them again. But that is their loss and their decision... I guess people just aren't the people that you think they are.

On the brighter side, i liked work today. I think i'm getting to a real person level with the girl i work with. That's good. And i went to dinner at Spencers. We played games and it was fun even though he got frustrated. I just needed out and something to do. So that was good for me. I like driving home at night but the finding a parking spot part really sucks. I got lucky after 10 minutes though. But yeah i like driving at night a lot. Less cars, less stress, less worry about having to get there. Yeah. But it was a pretty crappy day that turned out better than it was going.

I wish God would tell me why he's choosing now to leave me disliking pretty much everything here...

People

are dumb.

Yep.

I'm pretty much loner-ing right now. My friends have been ignoring me since i got back and making excuses for not seeing me... That kinda sucks but i guess that shows that they aren't very good friends... Yeah.

Today i went to class that i hate and listened to speeches all day. Boring.... Made me want to fall asleep. I keep dreaming a lot lately. Its nice but realy annoying because i don;t remember it ever. Jasmine snores. Its annoying... Its so loud i have to wear earplugs. And then its still loud. I want to get a single room. I think i would like it a lot better... I'm like pulling my hair out here. I don't like having to share my space...

Sunset Classic

So i came home. Like all weekends recently. But i wouldn't be able to do it any other way. But i came home and got to play in the pep band at Homecoming. That was nice. I still know all the songs. And yeah. It was good and fun. I liked it. I saw the cutest thing of my life. Meeuswens little boy tried to play my flute. But he tried by blowing it on the bottom. And then i was like ummmm who's small child is this?! And he was like oh sorry that's mine and i was like oh okay so i showed him the thole he's supposed to blow on and he couldn't do it of course because he is little but then he tried to blow on my key holes because i have an open holed flute. It was funnnny! But adorable. Probably one of the top 5 cutest things of my life. So i played it and let him push buttons. But he was cute.

I went to the Sunset Classic Comp. I went and helped out. I set up camp with the patrons and then waited for everyone to get there. Then i helped with the guard make-up and saved the day by having my flute and letting them borrow it. Then i helped onto the field. And then i taught the DM's a new salute. It was good i think... Lots of old memories...

Friends.

I think I'm having trouble with my friends. I feel conflicted. I want to have fun with them but i feel like they don;t want me around a lot of the time. I get left out of plans until the last minute when they forget to tell me things, or they just don;t tell me when they are getting together. I don't know if I'm just imagining things or if this is really how it is. I feel like I'm in a place right now where i want and need friends but where i feel like they don't want me. I think I'm having trust issues... I feel like they may be talking about me. Or something. Or that they don;t want to hang out with me because i'm different... I know this might not be it though.

We sort of made plans to go to the corn maize after work tomorrow and then go to the roloff pumpkin patch the next day. My thought was that since its in Sauvies Island that we could just crash at my house since it would be less driving. I was getting excited that I'd have friends over because i like ever do. I felt like i was allowing them into my house which is a big step for me in a friendship. I never have people over. But it seemed like every time i brought up the idea they were against it... Which made me feel bad... Not because it is my house but just because they didn't want to. Like they didn't want to be where i lived. But yet they always say "oh I'll take you here when you come visit me in Alaska or Hawaii or Seattle." I just thought I'd share my house with them... But i feel like they keep making reasons why not. They decided at dinner that they'd pitch for gas a little more so we could drive back and forth each time. But i really didn't want to do that. So i said again why don't we stay at my house? And then Niki said she needed to work on a paper. And i said well it would probably give you more time to do it at my house because it's closer and will be less car time. But then it just got decided that driving lots was better. I just don;t get it. I feel like i put myself out there and they didn't really care... Finally i just said forget it. We'll do it next weekend. And then they sounded upset. But i really feel like i need to go home. I need to get out of here. And i feel hurt by them. I feel hurt by everyone right now. I feel pressure and hurt and deceived. And i know that that's normal. But it just hurts...

My instinct is to lash out but then i feel worse. Then i feel like i;m hurting people just so that i can get them to stop being close to me. I feel vulnerable when people are close. I feel like i've been hurt by anyone who's really ever been close to me. And not just Jordan but Brittany, and Bre, and Abby, and H, and just everyone. I feel like i get close and someone stabs me in the back. So i just stop trying.

It just seems like every attempt that i try to make to trust and to include has left me scarred. And scarred to the point that i block myself off so that i don't have to do it over and over. 

I feel like the only thing that has gotten me through this week has been praying to God. And i haven;t gotten anything back but i just feel like He's the one thing that i can trust right now. Because He's the only one who isn't going to give up on me. And He's the only one who's going to keep me able to push through this day after day. And i pray everyday day for patience in the time I'm going through. And i pray everyday for him to fix my relationship. And i think that's the only reason that i can walk to class everyday is by listening to worship songs the whole way. But I struggle because i haven't seen anything yet. And i know it takes time but it's hard. Everything is hard right now and i just need out of here.

Transfering

We finished the spanish apartments movie in french. It was good i thought. I liked not having to think too much. I hve been working on my four year plan for Linfield because i have to. And currently because i want to take Writing 121 and Math so that i can transfer. I really think that i might.... I feel bad because i sorta have good theatre stuff going for me here but i just don't like it here. I think that i sucked myself into going here because i was the valedictorian and i needed to be the one who was going to go places in life so i had to go to the fancy school and get away from everyone and anything. But i really don;t think that this is the place for me. And after looking at the difference between a BA and a BFA i think that if i want to continue in theatre that i want to do it in a BFA program. After filling out the four year plan i just am filled with dread for what i have to do. And i don't think that's what it's supposed to feel like when you're trying to start dong what you will for the rest of your life. I mean i know that a lot of college is doing stuff that you don't want to do. But i feel like i should like some of it should be something i want to do... I dunno. I'm not closing the door on it but i am planning so that i have the option... Which i want to take...

I feel Mad

I feel really mad and bitter righ now. Not at anyone but just in general. I;m mad that all i get to do is work. I;m mad that i;m hungry all the time. I'm mad that the Albertsons Pharmacy line was so slow. I;m mad that i have to write a paper. I'm mad that this author is basically calling everyone who does a BFA stupid and stuck up. Ilm mad that i have to listen to this acting crap when i could honestly care less right now. I'm mad that when i go on facebook all the posts are pictures. What the is this tumblr now?! I;m mad that i keep eating. I'm mad that i tried to buy jeans today and they all sucked. I'm mad that i spent all day yesterday working on my speech that she didn;t even take or look at today. I'm mad that my fingers are too short to reach the ' key so i always hit the ; key instead which makes me look stupid. I'm mad that i never get a break i feel like. I'm mad that my phone keeps turning off for no reason. I'm mad that i feel stuck here. I'm mad that i don't care about the quality of work i'm doing. I'm mad that i don;t have a computer lap desk so i get really hot. I;m mad that my bed has railings so i can't sit up on it without my neck hurting. And i'm mad that i don't have any apple cinnamon cheerios.

Why Are Things This Way?

Slept terrible last night. I hit my head on the effin wall twice. I do not know how. I remember just like smacking my forehead on it straight on. which is insane because i sleep parallel to the wall. So i would of had to sit up to do it... I don;t know. I also kept waking up all night because i was scared to oversleep. So i woke up a lot. Jasmines still got her side of the room exploding. Funny how hers makes me want to clean my side....

My fish are all gonna die. 2 already did. I have an algae problem even though i have an algae eater... SO i put in the chemicals and followed the directions but now 2 fish are dead and the other white one is acting like he;s gonna die. I hate that i can;t take care of fish. I feel so out of control of everything. I don;t know if i'm going to get more after this. I like them but they die and i feel awful and depressed. Like i don;t already.... But it just sucks. These were the fish that Jordan picked out too. How fitting that i kill them at the same time as our relationship dies. Awesome. I feel like shit. I don't wanna be here. I just wanna talk to him. I wana go see him. I feel like if i could i could fix it or something... Which i probably can't.... But I Love him. I really do. I don;t care about school because i'd rather be with him. I'd rather uproot my life than have to do this. I wish i could justify going to OIT... And i keep seeing myself driving down there and showing up at his door and everything being normal. Or having him come here and surprise me. I just can't accept that this is how it is... I don't know if that's God telling me that i should be holding on or if its that i can't accept it yet.

I don't know if i want to do theatre forever. I really like it but i don't know if i want it as a job. I'd rather do something normal... I don;t know if i want to stay here... I know i'd feel like this if i was anywhere but i feel like although i wish it was that Linfield just might not be the right fit for me. I don't want to stay here for four years... I think that i'd do better at a college where i don;t have to live on campus. It;s hard for me to decipher between when i can relax and when i have to do things. I feel like i am always here and there's no escape because i'm here all the time where i have to learn and live. I'd rather have the difference of having to leave to go to school and then have a place like home where it;s an escape. I think that's really what i need to be successful. And i can't get that here for 3 more years... I think that i'll need to transfer. I know that i've been blessed here with the theatre and the job and everything but i just think that it's not right for what i need.

Fight Another Day